Touhou fans, are we a lost cause?

[CountVonNumenor]

Sometimes, I feel like I got into two of the most women-repugnant interests possible: Warhammer 40K and Touhou. Warhammer due to obvious reasons (plus the stereotypical image of a middle-aged, greasy, basement dwelling neckbeard who can barely socialize), and Touhou from almost as obvious reasons (by now, Touhou is basically an anime fandom without an anime, and anime fandoms in themselves are their own cans of worms filled with stereotypes). And then we start wondering why we are alone, not liked by anyone. 

And then, there's stuff like this, told more or less ironically by people who themselves are in our fandom or outside of it...

 

This brings me back to some points I was doing a bit more than a week ago:
 

Anyway, I was really thinking how and why I got in this community to begin with. I had no prior experience or interest in general for bullet hell games, but somehow got to love a series that is just as such at its core. Maybe I am just another one of those fakers, more of an anime fan than an actual Touhou fan, only here for the girls and fan art/fan music. Ever since the late of 2019, something switched in my brain that made me like stuff with cute girls in it (maybe as a coping mechanism in response to being alone?), which really started after reading some graphic novels. 

So I guess everyone enjoys Touhou for one reason or another. Some like the games, others the music and fan works, while others just like the design of the characters (bonus if they catch your curiosity and make you want to learn more about the myths and influences they are inspired from). So I'm not just a loser coping with fictional characters due to no girlfriend?  I think it is more related to the "stereotypical anime fan" thing? Like you know, they like anime, are not very good at socializing, have no gf and love their JPEG waifu. Especially since by now, at the age of 20, most around me already had one or more.

And of course, this

 

Makes me feel bad for already being 20, but never having had a gf. Is the message actually real, a fabrication of modern conceptions created artificially through media and pop culture, or just me who actually needs to get a life? And to be honest, I would not blame others for my very own failure in the field or romantic life. Or otherwise I would be an incel for that. I just feel like I failed, picked exactly the worst, most boring traits and interests, and am just overall an unpleasant person. Is it just me, or there are others going through the same situation? Maybe I should just be more patient... or maybe just ashamed I am currently failing one of the natural functions for which mankind still exists

 

[TheM3ds]

Bro I'm gonna be real with you here: You aren't missing out on much, besides I think teen love is a load of bullshit because it's usually not worth your time and energy to think what you could've done when you were still going through that phase in life, you're still basically young and you still have your whole life ahead of you, besides why worry about having girlfriend now since you still the freedom to do whatever you want with your life, now I'm not saying you can't be in a relationship or anything but I feel like there are better things to be concerned about then getting a GF in life.

Sometimes, I feel like I got into two of the most women-repugnant interests possible: Warhammer 40K and Touhou. Warhammer due to obvious reasons (plus the stereotypical image of a middle-aged, greasy, basement dwelling neckbeard who can barely socialize), and Touhou from almost as obvious reasons (by now, Touhou is basically an anime fandom without an anime, and anime fandoms in themselves are their own cans of worms filled with stereotypes). And then we start wondering why we are alone, not liked by anyone.

You do realize not all people in those fandoms fit into that category of stereotypes right?

Even if Touhou & Warhammer 40K have fat, smiley neck-beards they don't make up the majority of the fanbase, as I have stated previously don't let people define who you are, no matter what your interests are. As long as you like something to a healthy degree than it's usually not a problem.

Even though I'm not really into the idea of waifuism myself I don't see anything wrong with being attracted to fictional characters (As long as it's not to a creepy degree), though with that I said feel like I should drop this copypasta here (Even if pisses someone off):

"You people don’t actually want girlfriends. You want a personified coping mechanism to materialize in your room in the shape of a girl and magically fall in love with you and fix all your problems or something idk. The fact that it’s totally devoid from conceivable reality is itself the appeal because you can keep blaming all your problems on this made up unattainable scapegoat instead of addressing the underlying issues and the fact that most of you wouldn’t be able to engage in an intimate relationship or even truly want one in actual reality. It’s kind of like girls who have romcom syndrome but more severe."

That being said however, anyone can still love Touhou for it's characters but the lengths people are willing go to with them and the unhealthy obsession's behind them still disturbs me.

 

[StrongDrunkenChild]

 

Makes me feel bad for already being 20, but never having had a gf. Is the message actually real, a fabrication of modern conceptions created artificially through media and pop culture, or just me who actually needs to get a life? And to be honest, I would not blame others for my very own failure in the field or romantic life. Or otherwise I would be an incel for that. I just feel like I failed, picked exactly the worst, most boring traits and interests, and am just overall an unpleasant person. Is it just me, or there are others going through the same situation? Maybe I should just be more patient... or maybe just ashamed I am currently failing one of the natural functions for which mankind still exists

I think teen love is a load of bullshit because it's usually not worth your time and energy to think what you could've done when you were still going through that phase in life, you're still basically young and you still have your whole life ahead of you, besides why worry about having girlfriend now since you still the freedom to do whatever you want with your life, now I'm not saying you can't be in a relationship or anything but I feel like there are better things to be concerned about then getting a GF in life.

I wanna cosign what TheM3eds said and also emphasis that you are literally twenty years old. you ever play undertale? know burgurpants? if not you're this guy https://www.gamersdecide.com/sites/default/files/authors/u141624/burgerpants.jpg

you should try to get rid of this idea that you've missed out on anything in life by now and remember that you have so much left of it to live, or else you will just depress the hell out of yourself and not get anything done. you can literally do anything with the time you have (other obstacles in life besides age notwithstanding).

the messages that you are picking up on are bs almost tailor made to make you swallow a poisonous black pill (ie, incel shit), dont worry about it.

and on that last part about "failing" your "natural functions". That's also incel shit. You have failed nothing. Some people dont even want kids, or even want to have sex and their is nothing wrong with them. theirs nothing wrong with you either. you're not some mutant that isn't living up to the proper standard.

you need to kill whatever sexed up poonking you have dreamed up in your mind to idealize and compare yourself to unfavorably and think about who YOU really are, what YOU really want out of life, what YOU wanna do, and who YOU wanna be and do it with some respect for yourself.

also LOADS of people don't have a relationship at 20. It's not some big deal or failure. its actually pretty normal.

 

[CountVonNumenor]

Bro I'm gonna be real with you here: You aren't missing out on much, besides I think teen love is a load of bullshit because it's usually not worth your time and energy to think what you could've done when you were still going through that phase in life, you're still basically young and you still have your whole life ahead of you, besides why worry about having girlfriend now since you still the freedom to do whatever you want with your life, now I'm not saying you can't be in a relationship or anything but I feel like there are better things to be concerned about then getting a GF in life.

You do realize not all people in those fandoms fit into that category of stereotypes right?

Even if Touhou & Warhammer 40K have fat, smiley neck-beards they don't make up the majority of the fanbase, as I have stated previously don't let people define who you are, no matter what your interests are. As long as you like something to a healthy degree than it's usually not a problem.

Even though I'm not really into the idea of waifuism myself I don't see anything wrong with being attracted to fictional characters (As long as it's not to a creepy degree), though with that I said feel like I should drop this copypasta here (Even if pisses someone off):

"You people don’t actually want girlfriends. You want a personified coping mechanism to materialize in your room in the shape of a girl and magically fall in love with you and fix all your problems or something idk. The fact that it’s totally devoid from conceivable reality is itself the appeal because you can keep blaming all your problems on this made up unattainable scapegoat instead of addressing the underlying issues and the fact that most of you wouldn’t be able to engage in an intimate relationship or even truly want one in actual reality. It’s kind of like girls who have romcom syndrome but more severe."

That being said however, anyone can still love Touhou for it's characters but the lengths people are willing go to with them and the unhealthy obsession's behind them still disturbs me.

I wanna cosign what TheM3eds said and also emphasis that you are literally twenty years old. you ever play undertale? know burgurpants? if not you're this guy https://www.gamersdecide.com/sites/default/files/authors/u141624/burgerpants.jpg

you should try to get rid of this idea that you've missed out on anything in life by now and remember that you have so much left of it to live, or else you will just depress the hell out of yourself and not get anything done. you can literally do anything with the time you have (other obstacles in life besides age notwithstanding).

the messages that you are picking up on are bs almost tailor made to make you swallow a poisonous black pill (ie, incel shit), dont worry about it.

and on that last part about "failing" your "natural functions". That's also incel shit. You have failed nothing. Some people dont even want kids, or even want to have sex and their is nothing wrong with them. theirs nothing wrong with you either. you're not some mutant that isn't living up to the proper standard.

you need to kill whatever sexed up poonking you have dreamed up in your mind to idealize and compare yourself to unfavorably and think about who YOU really are, what YOU really want out of life, what YOU wanna do, and who YOU wanna be and do it with some respect for yourself.

also LOADS of people don't have a relationship at 20. It's not some big deal or failure. its actually pretty normal.

Both of you are bringing up very good points. So, to put it like this:

- while I was in school, getting a GF was like my very last concern; I was way too busy trying to give my best and learn
- when I was in like the 7th grade, I got my first crush for a girl - almost a year older, but both of us were colleagues for some private classes
- after almost an entire year of being hesitant, I decided to finally tell her what I feel - in short, it did not end well, as it went into basically her leaving the conversation under the pretext of "I am busy, need to solve something"
- we have never spoken since

- in high school, I continued to be just as interested in learning, even with whatever BS the teachers throw at you (Romanian education system, oh you magnificent being) 
- colleagues around me started asking me why I am not bothering with getting a GF (I was already 16-17), and my simple answer was "I do not feel bothered to do so"
- in the end, I got at best to be good friend with some of the girls in my class who helped me a lot especially after I moved up to make my accommodation easier, and at least got myself a group of friends
- whenever I was looking at a girl and was thinking "she looks good", most of the time it happened that she already had a partner
- actually, one girl apparently got a crush on me; however, she was two years younger (I was in the 11th grade, and she was a fresh(wo)man), and the whole thing was shared
- I was fine with her as simply a buddy I could talk to about matters like history (unlike other girls, she really seemed to be curious to learn new things, and wanted to find out about the history of the town - she was coming from another place when we met)
- what initially started as me giving her history meditations ended u as totally not dates, which I realized way too late
- when she wanted to pull her move, and I was still too oblivious to what she was intending to do, especially since I was not really interested, we had an argument, and did not speak to each other for more than half a year
- afterwards, I was told that I basically dodged a bullet with her as she was apparently a bit out of her mind; but I think it was better for both of us as in the end I got well over high school, and she moved again, this time managing to achieve one of her dreams (publishing a book she kept telling me about)

[Intermission - how 2020, the pandemic and 2 months of lockdown have messed my mind]
- in the late autumn of 2019, I got my first graphic novel
- I really liked the story, but the main attraction for me was the protagonist - a Russian immigrant girl called Anya
- I though she looks cute (really liked the design), then after a while I started asking myself in disgust if I got my first fictional crush (apparently, this is a thing in the United States, and t happens to kids when watching cartoons?)
- ever since, I also got such a feeling while in the quarantine that was early 2020 related to a character called Tari from the web series Meta Runner
- combined with the loneliness and lack of proper contact with others until the lockdown was over, I start to think whether any serious change took place in my mind at the time (it was also that I recently turned 18, merely a few days after lockdown started)
- in the end, I found Touhou towards the end of 2020, and ever since I am stuck into this rabbit whole of a series filled with cute or badass designs and tons of awesome fan-art

- now that I got into my first year of college, I started to feel more and more alone and isolated from anyone else
- online courses seem to be dragging on and on, and I cannot meet anyone as everyone from my generation has left the town
- I would go visit them, but that would mean a 4 (now 5 or more) hours commute from my small province town to Bucharest, the capital
- it just made me feel more and more alone, as I really miss going out with people and having a chat
- to make it worse, my best friend, who I really used to spend a lot of time with, is no longer an option; nowadays, I am lucky if we manage to chat once a week, as he is also very busy with preparing his own entrance at university (Medicine, so a lot of stress), and wants to make sure he will pass the entry exams; therefore, no more time to chat with me and his generation friends (he is one year younger)

So yeah, this is a bit more of a proper content about what is going on with me. And why I feel like not very sure what I actually want, what I feel/impulse that I want, and what I am actually missing. And seeing messages and discussions that basically my whole way of living is wrong does not help at all. Like I felt perfectly fine until now with how I am and what I prefer to focus on, but it feels like a sudden change has taken place and made me reconsider my values and things I like. 

As on the whole matter of "waifus" and whatever since I originally said liking Touhou might be like a women-repellant thing (especially since it is not like I was called a weeb for liking Touhou, despite me never having watched an anime or read a manga in my life), I got to remember about this little thing I was reading a couple years ago on 1d4chan: 

 

[TheM3ds]

I wanna cosign what TheM3eds said and also emphasis that you are literally twenty years old. you ever play undertale? know burgurpants? if not you're this guy https://www.gamersdecide.com/sites/default/files/authors/u141624/burgerpants.jpg

you should try to get rid of this idea that you've missed out on anything in life by now and remember that you have so much left of it to live, or else you will just depress the hell out of yourself and not get anything done. you can literally do anything with the time you have (other obstacles in life besides age notwithstanding).

the messages that you are picking up on are bs almost tailor made to make you swallow a poisonous black pill (ie, incel shit), dont worry about it.

and on that last part about "failing" your "natural functions". That's also incel shit. You have failed nothing. Some people dont even want kids, or even want to have sex and their is nothing wrong with them. theirs nothing wrong with you either. you're not some mutant that isn't living up to the proper standard.

you need to kill whatever sexed up poonking you have dreamed up in your mind to idealize and compare yourself to unfavorably and think about who YOU really are, what YOU really want out of life, what YOU wanna do, and who YOU wanna be and do it with some respect for yourself.

also LOADS of people don't have a relationship at 20. It's not some big deal or failure. its actually pretty normal.

Thanks for getting my point across here, I do appreciate the help.

 

[CountVonNumenor]

Oh, I really forgot to add a few more points.

Indeed, perhaps I should feel better for the fact I still have a lot of freedom left. Especially since there is enough time for anything, and I guess things will develop naturally. besides, I do agree that stereotypes are just that, stereotypes, but I feel like a lot of people only guide based on those nowadays, without actually taking care to see how that person actually is. So that is why I sais that Touhou and Warhammer are a bad combination for a dude, since it just makes you look even more like a nerd. And even my parents told me: girls are no longer looking after smart guys, they just want people who are rich/have a high-paying job.

I did discuss exactly that final meme with some other groups of people, and results were, obviously, rather mixed. Some said that the whole idea of "teenage love" is stupid, while others said they completely agree with the meme, and it is a "me problem" that I am still single at this age. 

But yeah, I think I am just too negative and harsh with myself perhaps.

 

[Tenkko]

i know you are venting but you should really talk this out with a therapist if it's bothering you that much. don't mean that in a bad way just, that's the only way you're gonna get real help if you need it.

i second pretty much everything StrongDrunkenChild said, specially that you are dangerously close to falling for incel rhetoric.

 

[CountVonNumenor]

i know you are venting but you should really talk this out with a therapist if it's bothering you that much. don't mean that in a bad way just, that's the only way you're gonna get real help if you need it.

i second pretty much everything StrongDrunkenChild said, specially that you are dangerously close to falling for incel rhetoric.

True, and that is what I am most scared of. Maybe I should have kept it for myself. Now I only made myself look like a loser online

 

[TheM3ds]

True, and that is what I am most scared of. Maybe I should have kept it for myself. Now I only made myself look like a loser online

Don't beat yourself up over it, it'll only make you feel even worse than before. I do agree with Tenkko here you should really seek a therapist, I mean I've been in therapy for months now and it's helped me in the long run so you should try looking at things from a more positive angle and try to improve your mindset. Like we said you're not a loser but you gotta understand nobody's judging you or anything you just gotta learn to ignore gossip on the internet.

 

[Tenkko]

we all have issues, i don't believe for a second that anyone has their life figured out and you shouldn't either. and if you talk about it people will generally be sympathetic, as everyone's been on this thread, but it's not gonna help you break out of that mentality.

sorry if im being cold here. just you shouldn't feel less if you need a hand. i guarantee you even the most seemingly """"successful"""" people have their fair share of skeletons in the closet.

 

[buskerdog]

Imma just say that there are much worse problems you could have than worrying about whether or not you have a GF. Be grateful for what you have, don't hyperfixate on what you don't.

EDIT:

- online courses seem to be dragging on and on, and I cannot meet anyone as everyone from my generation has left the town

I just read this bit, dude that sucks I understand the feeling. I'm so glad most places in my country are no longer doing online learning.

 

[CountVonNumenor]

I think you are right. First, I really should go for a therapist. It is something I've been looking to do for a while, even just for having a talk or out of mere curiosity. Second, I indeed tend to focus way too much on things that normally do not matter so much. Which just leads to me getting stressed over nothing. Third, I think things will get slightly better once I finally get to have face-to-face courses, especially since I like my new student group (at least from the little I managed to meet them until now), which is always a good chance for making new friends. 

Last but not least, I stil have a college year to finish, so better mobilise and feel satisfied at the end that I passed. Especially since I currently do have a set of priorities. I just feel a little lonely, but that can be solved with a bit of effort. 

 

[Sci]

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got."

 

[Paracausality]

I don't see what's the problem with what I'm reading here(Unless your addicted to Touhou or smth, and it's legitimately causing you some serious issues. In that case, you might wanna lay off the internet in general, and not just Touhou content for a while...), all fandoms have Bad Apples and Touhou is no exception, but even then the talent of many Touhou fans cannot be understated, this is evidenced by literally 90% of all Touhou content which is just fan-content, Touhou fans are like Jojo fans and vice versa, passionate, talented, and loves all things Touhou and JJBA. And about that romance stuff, I don't see the problem with that either, you're still 20 so you've got plenty of time to deal with that, and so why the rush? While I am somewhat aromantic, as well as preferring solitude over having company 80-90% of the time(not to mention busy with work), and I've never really cared about having a gf or anything like that, I still feel like it's generally better to take it slow and easy, trying to rush having a close romantic relationship is just asking for trouble, love can also destroy you just as easily as it can be a creative force, and it can also be just as hideous as it can be beautiful so one must practice caution when it comes to love. I even heard from some acquaintances that I apparently wasn't missing out on much. People have their interests, and I can't fault anyone for being interested in Touhou. After all, it is curiosity that got me into Touhou in the first place; I remember just sitting on my couch, watching videos on YT, wondering what this "Touhou" is that keeps getting referenced in countless works that I've read and watched, and that's pretty much where it started. After that, I just watched the "Bad Apple" music video, asked questions that helped me with getting familiar with Touhou, and after that I was pretty much hooked. The lore, the mysteries, the girls and their interesting backstories and personalities, the fanart, the storylines, the fascinating realm called "Gensokyo", etc...I found it all interesting, and it's specifically that interest that motivated me to know more about Touhou. I don't care what others think of regarding the things I'm interested in(if they learned about them), and one shouldn't always look to other people for approval of their own tastes.

The internet is plagued from head to toe with degeneracy, shouldn't let it dissuade you at all from liking stuff that interests you though...

Touhou fans, or at least you it seems, aren't a lost cause, I don't know where you got that idea cause I don't know what your personal life is like, but you've still got plenty of life ahead of you to look forward to at a ripe age of 20.

 

[CountVonNumenor]

Remind me to come back eventually with an elaborate answer for Cardinal. He made a lot of good points

 

[CountVonNumenor]

Alright, time for an actual reply. First of all, thank you for actually coming back into this, even so many months after the original post. 

I don't see what's the problem with what I'm reading here

I guess it is more about being a fan of this series feeling out of place when you are the only one in a large crowd knowing about the existence of the series. 
 

all fandoms have Bad Apples and Touhou is no exception, but even then the talent of many Touhou fans cannot be understated, this is evidenced by literally 90% of all Touhou content which is just fan-content, Touhou fans are like Jojo fans and vice versa, passionate, talented, and loves all things Touhou and JJBA.

I thought people heavily disliked Jojo fans for being annoying. But yes, our community seems to be very dedicated to the franchise, and will always be able to create something new or introduce us into anything. I mean Touhou was referenced even on Cartoon Network, despite not directly/through a parody. But I thought Touhou also counts into the category of "weeb content", and we all know how much people hate weebs and weaboos. 

And about that romance stuff, I don't see the problem with that either, you're still 20 so you've got plenty of time to deal with that, and so why the rush? While I am somewhat aromantic, as well as preferring solitude over having company 80-90% of the time(not to mention busy with work), and I've never really cared about having a gf or anything like that, I still feel like it's generally better to take it slow and easy,

I used to not be very interested in the issue in the past. I was actually asked by my school colleagues why I took no interest in a relation, and could not explain it. It just felt like I was not interested, and tried instead focusing on other stuff. Now, I think it might start biting me in the butt. I used to prefer solitude for a long while, but then 2020 and lockdown happened. After 2 months stuck inside my home, I realized I need to see people, and when we could finally go out, I tried hanging out with my best friend as much as I could. 
 

I even heard from some acquaintances that I apparently wasn't missing out on much.

Fascinating, I heard the same thing a while ago from an acquaintance. 
 

People have their interests, and I can't fault anyone for being interested in Touhou. After all, it is curiosity that got me into Touhou in the first place; I remember just sitting on my couch, watching videos on YT, wondering what this "Touhou" is that keeps getting referenced in countless works that I've read and watched, and that's pretty much where it started. After that, I just watched the "Bad Apple" music video, asked questions that helped me with getting familiar with Touhou,

I would write a lot about this, but I have explained in full detail how I got into the series as part of my first thread on this forum 

The internet is plagued from head to toe with degeneracy, shouldn't let it dissuade you at all from liking stuff that interests you though...

Indeed, it is full of degeneracy. It becomes problematic though if the things from the internet are not only kept there, but also come into real life. Like if your "internet life" actually affected your real life and how people see you irl just through the lens of online posting.

Maybe I have not missed so much. It is annoying though people make it as if I did though, especially when you have not gone through the "standard" stages of your life up to an age. Like if you are still very delayed with a lot of issues, or do not feel emotionally ready for them. Your logic says something, but your mind and instincts start beating you up with exactly the opposite. I have not felt the pressure of being alone until now, but recently it started becoming ever so pressing. And not really in the way of "I have to do it", but more like "I am feeling alone, I really need someone next to me". Yes, I have been feeling alone this entire last year, especially since I lost an entire first college year and interactions through long distance online courses.

What also scares me a bit is that every traits I may be looking for to find on a girl, I have found exactly on my best friend, who is a guy. He is smart, has a personality (although having a personality is something arbitrary to define), we both like the same things (especially a strong liking for Touhou and history), and he is also the kind of person who I would stay talk to all day long and can listen to all my rambling for hours without getting annoyed. I guess finding someone like this, but as a girl, could be very hard, if not impossible to find if I not looking hard enough.   

Finally, my entire sentiment of feeling alone eventually went into what I am drawing, which can also explain why I am constantly frustrated and not satisfied with what I do (and perhaps one of the reasons how I ended up into Touhou, despite never having taken an active interest in anime/anime style art and bullet hell games). As much as I love designing tanks, there's still the feeling, almost self-pushed for drawing girls too. I was never too interested in that before 2020, but I started to feel it like a need for completing a void I have. Even designing my OC feels more like a coping mechanism, as one of my original thoughts back then was to design basically "the girl of my dreams". Which, as cheesy as it may sound, might just be a reflection of feeling lonely and become a more and more easy pray for waifu/cute girl bait stuff from media. Hell, maybe that was one of the reasons I actually got stuck into Touhou for so long and still feel fiercely loyal to it despite never having played the games (when in the very same fateful 2020 I switched through multiple fandom before landing into that one). Until recently, I have been in denial about a lot of stuff, but irl friends really helped me start realize some of the stuff and I've begun speaking more freely and honestly about it. 
 

 

[Paracausality]

Alright, time for an actual reply. First of all, thank you for actually coming back into this, even so many months after the original post. 

I guess it is more about being a fan of this series feeling out of place when you are the only one in a large crowd knowing about the existence of the series. 
 

I thought people heavily disliked Jojo fans for being annoying. But yes, our community seems to be very dedicated to the franchise, and will always be able to create something new or introduce us into anything. I mean Touhou was referenced even on Cartoon Network, despite not directly/through a parody. But I thought Touhou also counts into the category of "weeb content", and we all know how much people hate weebs and weaboos. 

I used to not be very interested in the issue in the past. I was actually asked by my school colleagues why I took no interest in a relation, and could not explain it. It just felt like I was not interested, and tried instead focusing on other stuff. Now, I think it might start biting me in the butt. I used to prefer solitude for a long while, but then 2020 and lockdown happened. After 2 months stuck inside my home, I realized I need to see people, and when we could finally go out, I tried hanging out with my best friend as much as I could. 
 

Fascinating, I heard the same thing a while ago from an acquaintance. 
 

I would write a lot about this, but I have explained in full detail how I got into the series as part of my first thread on this forum 







Indeed, it is full of degeneracy. It becomes problematic though if the things from the internet are not only kept there, but also come into real life. Like if your "internet life" actually affected your real life and how people see you irl just through the lens of online posting.

Maybe I have not missed so much. It is annoying though people make it as if I did though, especially when you have not gone through the "standard" stages of your life up to an age. Like if you are still very delayed with a lot of issues, or do not feel emotionally ready for them. Your logic says something, but your mind and instincts start beating you up with exactly the opposite. I have not felt the pressure of being alone until now, but recently it started becoming ever so pressing. And not really in the way of "I have to do it", but more like "I am feeling alone, I really need someone next to me". Yes, I have been feeling alone this entire last year, especially since I lost an entire first college year and interactions through long distance online courses.

What also scares me a bit is that every traits I may be looking for to find on a girl, I have found exactly on my best friend, who is a guy. He is smart, has a personality (although having a personality is something arbitrary to define), we both like the same things (especially a strong liking for Touhou and history), and he is also the kind of person who I would stay talk to all day long and can listen to all my rambling for hours without getting annoyed. I guess finding someone like this, but as a girl, could be very hard, if not impossible to find if I not looking hard enough.   

Finally, my entire sentiment of feeling alone eventually went into what I am drawing, which can also explain why I am constantly frustrated and not satisfied with what I do (and perhaps one of the reasons how I ended up into Touhou, despite never having taken an active interest in anime/anime style art and bullet hell games). As much as I love designing tanks, there's still the feeling, almost self-pushed for drawing girls too. I was never too interested in that before 2020, but I started to feel it like a need for completing a void I have. Even designing my OC feels more like a coping mechanism, as one of my original thoughts back then was to design basically "the girl of my dreams". Which, as cheesy as it may sound, might just be a reflection of feeling lonely and become a more and more easy pray for waifu/cute girl bait stuff from media. Hell, maybe that was one of the reasons I actually got stuck into Touhou for so long and still feel fiercely loyal to it despite never having played the games (when in the very same fateful 2020 I switched through multiple fandom before landing into that one). Until recently, I have been in denial about a lot of stuff, but irl friends really helped me start realize some of the stuff and I've begun speaking more freely and honestly about it. 
 

All of this is...understandable.

My personality is actually something that works perfectly in this kind of situation, I'm solitary but generally amicable, this results in me having good acquaintances and connections with other people, but that's where it stops, nobody knows more than surface level details about me, and that results in me having a sort of perfect balance in my social life. After all, it's nobody's business what you're into.

And the drawing thing is somewhat understandable as well, although I don't draw to cope or anything like that, I just do...because I like putting my imaginations into physical form, and I find it super satisfying to do that for a reason probably only artists or philosophers or smth know lol.

You have no doubt noticed that there's a sort of pattern with me: Sariel, Shin Megami Tensei, my Good Omens(which I just finished watching btw, and it was awesome. I recommend it to anyone here) PFP. I like Angels for some reason, it's not even because I'm Catholic, I just have an unexplainable fascination with them, and I find them cool and interesting. So do you know what I do about that? I draw them of course, and nobody needs to see them or find out about it or smth.

People are judgemental, that's just how it is, we make fun of others, and harm them for being different left right and center.

Feel free to draw what you like drawing, and if people who see them take it sideways(unless of course it actually is...you know...), then that's their fault for assuming, and possibly even projecting.

And regarding the whole unstable emotional state thing, I get that too, 99% of the time I don't care about romance, but every now and then for some reason that's unknown even to me, I get this sudden urge like my body telling me "Hey, you need to find yourself a nice partner right now, AND START A FAMILY!!", and I'm like "dafuq? No?". It's strange and confusing I know

But the formula I use for all of this is to simply keep track of everything important that needs to be taken care of right away and when I have free Time , I then use that as an opportunity to relax, to clear up my head, and think of what my next move will be.

My M.O in life is simply to be grateful, adaptable, flexible, to be calm, to keep smiling, and to simply...'Ride the waves of fate' if you will.

...Also maybe go quite crazy every now and then, but considering what life can be like, I'm sure it's far more relatable than it seems, and besides I live alone anyway so I doubt I'm disturbing anyone lol.

 

[_.Mevs]

"You people don’t actually want girlfriends. You want a personified coping mechanism to materialize in your room in the shape of a girl and magically fall in love with you and fix all your problems or something idk. The fact that it’s totally devoid from conceivable reality is itself the appeal because you can keep blaming all your problems on this made up unattainable scapegoat instead of addressing the underlying issues and the fact that most of you wouldn’t be able to engage in an intimate relationship or even truly want one in actual reality. It’s kind of like girls who have romcom syndrome but more severe."

I have to be honest, it actually got me in the part of actually don't want a girlfriend

Idk if it's the best place to talk about problems but, uh, maybe i need somewhere to talk about that.

I've been dating a girl for 10 months and i don't have nothing to talk bad of her, she's the best, she always did everything to see me happy just like i did for her.

Btw, she was one of the reasons i started liking touhou (she showed me a Cirno fumo, and i started loving fumos, and then touhou, even tho she don't even know about touhou xd)

But besides the happy things, let's say, she is kinda, let's say, spoiled for attention and very insecure.

I know isn't her fault but she's weirdly dependent of me, when i took vacations with my two friends to visit the Netherlands (country my family started), she sent me lots of messages, and when i didn't reply (because i was out or something), she started to spam stuff like "i can't live without you" and "i miss you".

I spend 24/7 with her, and always i need to be alone for something, she gets sad and already even said she was gonna k!ll herself because for her "she's ugly and do everything wrong".

The problem, i'm always talking and helping her, she even compliment me saying i'm always there to listen and help her, says that i make her life so much better and etc but well

I'm unhappy, i can't play or nothing alone without she getting sad, when i say that i'll go sleep (literally a human need) she says for me not to go, and i don't go

Idk what to do, i lost all my connection with my friends and well, i stopped having any social contact to only spend my time with her, i only can have time for myself when she go to sleep.

She's a girl from my work, i always visit her and she also does with me, but when we're not together, she spams messages and if i take a little time to answer, she apologizes a lot, says she's dumb and etc.

It worries me about her health but at the same time, i can't take this anymore, i feel unhappy and i feel like my life is only going backwards, losing my friends, stopping to see my family and barely going out anymore.

I started a group without her, i wanna break up with her in January and make new friends and get back to be friends with my old friends too, she's a great girl but i can't lie, this is destroying my life, i wanna do something about it.

Sorry for talking about personal problems btw, maybe isn't nice to comment about it in a Touhou forum but i felt like it was gonna be good for me to write about what i'm feeling!

If you did read till here, thanks for it! ;DView attachment 2970

 

[CountVonNumenor]

Sorry for talking about personal problems btw, maybe isn't nice to comment about it in a Touhou forum but i felt like it was gonna be good for me to write about what i'm feeling!

Oh, do not worry about that. I think all of us have something to vent out eventually. In a way, that even is one of the reasons why I started this thread to begin with. Looking to let out some of my negative feelings, and try to understand some things I am still very confused about. 

Also I wish you good luck with your case. It looks like an extremely delicate situation, and I am not very sure what would the best course of action be sadly. But I guess whatever makes you happy would be the best option. Anyway, I really hope the conclusion reached will be amiable for both of you. Also, please excuse my lack of decency, but how old does it happen for you to be? In my case, as I may have already declared through different threads, I am 20.