I believe this is the first post I've ever done since... I can't even tell since when.

[kanedafanatic]

Saw an introduction postwall, thought I'd give this a chance.

Hey. How are you doing? For me, it is currently one minus twenty-five as I write this. Today was fine, I presume. Windows-related shenanigans happened and because of that, I've had to switch for Linux Nobara. It took me two to three days because of many factors and my inexperience but I've managed to pull through; I've nearly bricked my motherboard to give you an idea! Probably I should had added this earlier on, but I've went to a spot where I gave my CV to; showing that I am indeed very interested to have a job.

You know what? No, this is a good transition, I will explain. Long story short, I come from a not-so functional family. I have no point in staying where I am currently, and I am better to fend for myself. For years, I've wanted to say this, I've expressed it through many ways, but I remain there. Where does Touhou comes into place?

"If the outside is dead, then the head is the only place to live" That's a great metaphor to Gensokyo, actually. Touhou basically became my go-to "anesthetic" from reality. A drug to daydream and live in my mind. Maybe I lack self-awareness by saying it, but it was so bad that I've wanted to become one of the many character. Anywho, this "anesthetic" wore off every season of Winter, but this year's different.

I do not want to fall in the same trap, to be stuck for nine (haha) months in my mind and forget everything around me. I want to build relationships. I want to show what Touhou is for me other than a "drug" by any means. I want to work and have financial freedom; in two years, my formation to become a car mechanic will be over and I will leave with a job, but it doesn't mean I should wait until then!

So, for you, the reader. Thanks for reading what was on my mind and, truly, the first post I've wanted to share on any sharing platform. Me from a few months ago wouldn't had dared to write this. I'm proud of myself, and I will continue onwards. Feel free to interact.

P.S.: In case my sentence structure sounds off, English isn't my first language. I have to translate in my mind the sentence and then write it down. Probably isn't worth giving a damn.

 

[idkwtfamdoing]

 

[laselle]

Saw an introduction postwall, thought I'd give this a chance.

Hey. How are you doing? For me, it is currently one minus twenty-five as I write this. Today was fine, I presume. Windows-related shenanigans happened and because of that, I've had to switch for Linux Nobara. It took me two to three days because of many factors and my inexperience but I've managed to pull through; I've nearly bricked my motherboard to give you an idea! Probably I should had added this earlier on, but I've went to a spot where I gave my CV to; showing that I am indeed very interested to have a job.

You know what? No, this is a good transition, I will explain. Long story short, I come from a not-so functional family. I have no point in staying where I am currently, and I am better to fend for myself. For years, I've wanted to say this, I've expressed it through many ways, but I remain there. Where does Touhou comes into place?

"If the outside is dead, then the head is the only place to live" That's a great metaphor to Gensokyo, actually. Touhou basically became my go-to "anesthetic" from reality. A drug to daydream and live in my mind. Maybe I lack self-awareness by saying it, but it was so bad that I've wanted to become one of the many character. Anywho, this "anesthetic" wore off every season of Winter, but this year's different.

I do not want to fall in the same trap, to be stuck for nine (haha) months in my mind and forget everything around me. I want to build relationships. I want to show what Touhou is for me other than a "drug" by any means. I want to work and have financial freedom; in two years, my formation to become a car mechanic will be over and I will leave with a job, but it doesn't mean I should wait until then!

So, for you, the reader. Thanks for reading what was on my mind and, truly, the first post I've wanted to share on any sharing platform. Me from a few months ago wouldn't had dared to write this. I'm proud of myself, and I will continue onwards. Feel free to interact.

P.S.: In case my sentence structure sounds off, English isn't my first language. I have to translate in my mind the sentence and then write it down. Probably isn't worth giving a damn.

well, i have started learn english since my 21s now im 29 i have gotten very good at that pretty much can speak and read normally, is you are really interested in the language keep it up, you will soon learn more... first to say bro, if you can talk with someone in real life of what happening currently do it, its more comforting then doing it with people online which always involved some level of auto-fantasy or delusions...

touhou is very comunity driven, its not like a big IP like currently Resident Evil new game that yes it moves masses to speak of, its big and famous but doesnt have a sense of self containment as doujin comunities have, because you normally found them and because they are driven by the comunity its pretty easy to feel dependency, because somehow feels responsible for keep it, and to feel that you can hide in it from the reality... just be aware and be happy with what is, an online world wide comunity, not confused it or try to replace it with a real people comunity, it will not, nonetheless enjoy the comunity...

i switched to ubuntu month agos and didnt like it, then tried bazzite but i could not roll it out, nor tha i tried too much to do it haha xD i will try Cachy OS dont know when but someday i will, it has cachy hehe my attention out, how you going with nobara??

 

[kanedafanatic]

well, i have started learn english since my 21s now im 29 i have gotten very good at that pretty much can speak and read normally, is you are really interested in the language keep it up, you will soon learn more... first to say bro, if you can talk with someone in real life of what happening currently do it, its more comforting then doing it with people online which always involved some level of auto-fantasy or delusions...

touhou is very comunity driven, its not like a big IP like currently Resident Evil new game that yes it moves masses to speak of, its big and famous but doesnt have a sense of self containment as doujin comunities have, because you normally found them and because they are driven by the comunity its pretty easy to feel dependency, because somehow feels responsible for keep it, and to feel that you can hide in it from the reality... just be aware and be happy with what is, an online world wide comunity, not confused it or try to replace it with a real people comunity, it will not, nonetheless enjoy the comunity...

i switched to ubuntu month agos and didnt like it, then tried bazzite but i could not roll it out, nor tha i tried too much to do it haha xD i will try Cachy OS dont know when but someday i will, it has cachy hehe my attention out, how you going with nobara??

I'm glad you have replied! I will admit that when writing this, I was more concentrated about letting my feelings out in this post. A post where I can let myself all out. So, as I worry about my language, it's more because I wasn't bothered enough to correct every single word (^^,). Where I live though, English and French are both being taught at the same time because it is obligatory by constitution (or something in those lines.)

--

Life back then wasn't really better, my tutor (legally speaking) basically gave up on parenting because I've learnt sooner than others to put responsibility over safety. I grew up too fast, why the need for a parent to discipline a child who knows better than you do? I live with a tutor and her son who's still stuck in their time bubble, saying "The past was better" all while I have to continue to go to school in order to be able to live in the future and do what I want to do. Even still to this day, they don't do shit more than watch the TV. What am I supposed to do when school becomes my "home" and where I live becomes "the transition to yesterday to today"?

That's where Touhou comes in. It was the best alternative to a kid who wants stimuli: flexible and rich characters, a wide and multi-layered world with it's own dynamics, distinct way of fighting with danmaku, ZUN's composition, etc. I will say, this is important: I was my own Gensokyo. Touhou was my own Instruction Architecture Set. "If the outside is dead, then the mind's the only place to live." In this case "It the Outside World is boring and doesn't suit my needs, then Touhou is the best and only place to remain active."

Now, for obvious reasons of internet footprint, I won't go too deep. I was living off Touhou in my mind so much that, as I've said, it became my anesthetic. I had my own world, why bother with the rest? I became alone and would remain indefinitely since everything happened in my mind. Nowadays, I try drawing as a hobby but Touhou became so personal to me that it's sometimes hard to dissociate identity from performance and I refrain myself from trying. Anywho, this "anesthetic" became so powerful that it's only when during Winter that I've wanted to leave or try a change. It did not work.

Now, I see this. The reason I've wrote this is because it's a small step to dissociate Touhou from my mind, to change gravity and actually move towards an actual goal. Get the pain of my chest and use this as motivation. Then again, I've wrote this with more heart than mind, somethings may be incoherent or abstract, but I don't want to fall in this trap again. I speak to real people about my case, I'm making moves towards my goals (Today, I cooked some haddock for myself, went to the library so I can learn the basics of Linux, take my time to draw, take time to write this, much more in the days to come!) I want to show my love to a franchise that means something to me, but it has to stop paralyzing my mind, the best cure is by talking about it and moving in reality, what I am doing right now.

Anywho, I will still interact with you all. Obviously that I don't want this to become a dependence, but as a mean to anchor my new self. Currently, I'm trying to draw faces, but I don't have the "theory" to do it, but I will get there.

--

forgot to add about Linux. oops. Linux Nobara, as of current is pretty fine. A bit slow in the GUI, but maybe something I can adjust to later on. Performance wise, way better than Windows 11 by a margin. Also, to give you an idea of what made me change: Windows was unstable to a point that Microsoft Edge gives the OS a kernel panic. Yep. a kernel panic. I may not know much about coding (I know jackshit about any code to give an idea) or distros, but for a Win11 to Win10 to Win11; I was better changing to Linux. Reason being actual compatibility and built-in drivers.

--

Thank you.

 

[不人气的大狸子]

In Chinese high schools, you need to get up at 5 am and not finish school until 10 pm, and you can only have one day off every two weeks. Countless assignments and various exams are overwhelming.

During that period, what sustained me was Touhou. I would write novels or copy paintings, or playing Touhou music in the classroom was the boldest thing I'd ever done, but I was happy about it. I can say that Touhou prevented me from going to extremes, at least allowing me to get through the most difficult three years.

I love the Touhou community; it gives me a sense of identity and lets me know that there is a group of like-minded people. Perhaps that's the charm of Doujin. I am very lucky.

 

[laselle]

In Chinese high schools, you need to get up at 5 am and not finish school until 10 pm, and you can only have one day off every two weeks. Countless assignments and various exams are overwhelming.

During that period, what sustained me was Touhou. I would write novels or copy paintings, or playing Touhou music in the classroom was the boldest thing I'd ever done, but I was happy about it. I can say that Touhou prevented me from going to extremes, at least allowing me to get through the most difficult three years.

I love the Touhou community; it gives me a sense of identity and lets me know that there is a group of like-minded people. Perhaps that's the charm of Doujin. I am very lucky.

just for contrast and share, not to tell someone is better or grew better, absolutly not... in my country you just go to high school from monday to friday, weekend is free and you have over 3 months of vacations yearly(december-january and june), as well classes are from 7 am to 12mid, so yeah lots of plenty time free... in this time i didnt found touhou but got a lot into games play ps2, the psp and some other stuff... i think its just how systems they think its the better for you, because someone can argue about china thats too much presure and time consuming, and other else woud say my system is very loosen and produces not real results on economy, couldnt really tell, glad we can all belong to touhou tho

 

[laselle]

I'm glad you have replied! I will admit that when writing this, I was more concentrated about letting my feelings out in this post. A post where I can let myself all out. So, as I worry about my language, it's more because I wasn't bothered enough to correct every single word (^^,). Where I live though, English and French are both being taught at the same time because it is obligatory by constitution (or something in those lines.)

--

Life back then wasn't really better, my tutor (legally speaking) basically gave up on parenting because I've learnt sooner than others to put responsibility over safety. I grew up too fast, why the need for a parent to discipline a child who knows better than you do? I live with a tutor and her son who's still stuck in their time bubble, saying "The past was better" all while I have to continue to go to school in order to be able to live in the future and do what I want to do. Even still to this day, they don't do shit more than watch the TV. What am I supposed to do when school becomes my "home" and where I live becomes "the transition to yesterday to today"?

That's where Touhou comes in. It was the best alternative to a kid who wants stimuli: flexible and rich characters, a wide and multi-layered world with it's own dynamics, distinct way of fighting with danmaku, ZUN's composition, etc. I will say, this is important: I was my own Gensokyo. Touhou was my own Instruction Architecture Set. "If the outside is dead, then the mind's the only place to live." In this case "It the Outside World is boring and doesn't suit my needs, then Touhou is the best and only place to remain active."

Now, for obvious reasons of internet footprint, I won't go too deep. I was living off Touhou in my mind so much that, as I've said, it became my anesthetic. I had my own world, why bother with the rest? I became alone and would remain indefinitely since everything happened in my mind. Nowadays, I try drawing as a hobby but Touhou became so personal to me that it's sometimes hard to dissociate identity from performance and I refrain myself from trying. Anywho, this "anesthetic" became so powerful that it's only when during Winter that I've wanted to leave or try a change. It did not work.

Now, I see this. The reason I've wrote this is because it's a small step to dissociate Touhou from my mind, to change gravity and actually move towards an actual goal. Get the pain of my chest and use this as motivation. Then again, I've wrote this with more heart than mind, somethings may be incoherent or abstract, but I don't want to fall in this trap again. I speak to real people about my case, I'm making moves towards my goals (Today, I cooked some haddock for myself, went to the library so I can learn the basics of Linux, take my time to draw, take time to write this, much more in the days to come!) I want to show my love to a franchise that means something to me, but it has to stop paralyzing my mind, the best cure is by talking about it and moving in reality, what I am doing right now.

Anywho, I will still interact with you all. Obviously that I don't want this to become a dependence, but as a mean to anchor my new self. Currently, I'm trying to draw faces, but I don't have the "theory" to do it, but I will get there.

--

forgot to add about Linux. oops. Linux Nobara, as of current is pretty fine. A bit slow in the GUI, but maybe something I can adjust to later on. Performance wise, way better than Windows 11 by a margin. Also, to give you an idea of what made me change: Windows was unstable to a point that Microsoft Edge gives the OS a kernel panic. Yep. a kernel panic. I may not know much about coding (I know jackshit about any code to give an idea) or distros, but for a Win11 to Win10 to Win11; I was better changing to Linux. Reason being actual compatibility and built-in drivers.

--

Thank you.

im glad you found touhou as a good thing to you really, but i will still say that its not a replecment of a real comunity, nor that im saying its better, we humans we need indeed social intagration and to talk, and friends and all of these, but our brains will not distinguish if that friend or comunity is online or physical, as far as it does help and feels as a comunity then its and will help as well... so by belonging to touhou you are doing wrong or something of such just be aware that there are stuff that a dopujin doesnt give, like touching real grass or a real girl hehe and thats fine, touhou is touhou and doesnt have to be the cure of everything just be apreciate and care as its...

bro i havent been liking windows in the past few years as well, its not like its completly broken but yeah from time to time it get some glitches and problems... i have had to been using the command line many times because of the gui that didnt respond... and also other relate it things but not of imprtance

btw of the GUI... i think there 2 modes of what the distros uses to display GUIs gnomo and IKE i think is the other one, but they have diferent performance impacts so you should see that

 

[kanedafanatic]

im glad you found touhou as a good thing to you really, but i will still say that its not a replecment of a real comunity, nor that im saying its better, we humans we need indeed social intagration and to talk, and friends and all of these, but our brains will not distinguish if that friend or comunity is online or physical, as far as it does help and feels as a comunity then its and will help as well... so by belonging to touhou you are doing wrong or something of such just be aware that there are stuff that a dopujin doesnt give, like touching real grass or a real girl hehe and thats fine, touhou is touhou and doesnt have to be the cure of everything just be apreciate and care as its...

bro i havent been liking windows in the past few years as well, its not like its completly broken but yeah from time to time it get some glitches and problems... i have had to been using the command line many times because of the gui that didnt respond... and also other relate it things but not of imprtance

btw of the GUI... i think there 2 modes of what the distros uses to display GUIs gnomo and IKE i think is the other one, but they have diferent performance impacts so you should see that

I do agree that a community shouldn't replace real life. As I've said, I still want and still continue to pursue my IRL relations with others and talk about my case with professionals. I don't consider this forum as a replacement for interactions and believe it or not, I do talk to a girl who's into drawing as well . In that case, Touhou's gonna be one of the many drawing languages to display my talent; a way to translate from ISA down to Application, in computer terms. Just so happens that Touhou is like x86 it terms of it's flexibility and rules; no wonder I "lived" in my mind for many years.

This post is a step for something greater. I don't use social media, I don't use Discord (ew) either. It's my first post... pretty much ever. I allowed myself to talk about it with others. So by doing this, I allow myself to show my thoughts rather than keep it in my mind. To put it into words and have somebody see it or reply (like you do!) to it. Then again, my goal is not to replace, but to add on top of it. I plan on showing my drawings at one point, I don't believe I'm ready for it, yet.

And yeah, Nobara has other GUIs other than it's custom KDE GUI: Gnome, base KDE (is this what you meant by "IKE"?) and Steam-HTPC/Handheld. I will try those later on. As much computer metaphors I come up, I dunno much. In fact, I've never really used CMD or Powershell directly because I had no use for it, so it's a first.

 

[laselle]

what do you do for drawing?? honestly i started past year as well, but look kinda awful xD haha i think as we all start it will look kinda awful that you dont wan other ones to see, so far i just go to pinterest and try to paint some stuff, mmm i do not really know what else to do or how to improve just go with the flow if i could say that... at least tho i somehow mark my goals, which is to make digital drawings, nothing that i forseen for comercial purpose or any kinda of other stuff, just as fun...

 

[kanedafanatic]

I want to translate what's on my mind by the means of drawing, really. Make a hobby out of it, become good to my standard and way over in the future, pass my time drawing sketches and stuff. More often than not, I go with characters because it's the first thing that comes to mind, but I'm up for anything, really.

I'm not as skilled neither (^^; It's been a few weeks or so, but I try to understand how to think in volumes. I am slowly capable of drawing hands correctly. After that, I do not know if I'll go with the torso or the face. Thing is, again, performance and identity is somewhat intertwined for me. Goal's to separate both.

Many times I became paralyzed while drawing because of my mind: wanted to draw a character (Touhou, Akira, whatever it is) or an object but... I don't know how. Simply, I get stuck over the fact that it's not within my reach yet. This was something I did not understand back then until recently.

As for inspiration: Katsuhiro Otomo's works (obviously Akira as in the movie, manga and other works like the Akira Club artbook, Steamboy, Domu, etc) are my main anchor, because of it's grounded anatomy and details. It's both inspired by comics and mangas of it's time. I usually copy what intrigues me and try to structure it in volumes so that I can replicate it with different variations: arms, legs, torso, angle, height, everything. That's how I manage to understand how to draw hands; by copying a design, put the individual parts of the hand accordingly to what I think with 2D or 3D shapes, erase a bit and redraw over it.

Then again, we all start from somewhere. Yesterday, I practiced my hand-drawing skills as usual and it pays off. I see improvement in my designs and how to make it better. When the times will be right, I will (probably) post on the art forum for this.

 

[laselle]

Well thats good, hope to see it soon

 

[kanedafanatic]

It will become nearly a week from my last reply. So, I'll give a little update on myself.

For now, I haven't focused much on drawing. I don't really know where to begin, really. Don't have a structure so that I can be fully engaged while practising drawings. Doesn't help that I don't allow myself much to make mistakes, it's hard for me to allow to draw something "for fun", it must be symbolic. Because of that, I often get stuck so that it doesn't deform my idealised view, but I'm well aware that I won't learn like this. As such, in others words I'm thinking of a new way to learn drawings, so hopefully one day I can upload mine here and show some skills

I won't delve too much in my real life problems, but there is hope for changes. There's currently a possible future to make my IRL situation better.

I've noticed my post and replies garnered some attention over the weeks. I do not know where to post and chat my stuff other than this part of the forum. I'll look around.

Thanks for reading, for those who did. Have a great day!

 

[kanedafanatic]

4th of April 2026. Quite some time since I haven't answered.

For those who still follows any updates on this, curiosity or worries sake; a lot happened. Won't go too deep but it's a matter of time, a matter of time until something happens for good. Yet, coming back home when the only thing in your mind's is "what to do until tomorrow?" becomes mind-shattering for the worse. Just came back from my mother's home. At least, for my birthday, I'd be able to see her again. In 13 days, exactly, I will be able to see her again.

The feel of drop from doing something and being happy to coming back here and wondering what to do kills me. Literally. I want things to change and I hate it.

It makes me feel sad. Local CPS has been called twice (one account of self-report and other by a close member of personnel at school), got in contact with someone specialized for that. But I have to wait.

I feel lonely. This place, what it is known as "home", is desolating.

edit from like a few dozen minutes ago: thanks for those who went and gave a look to what I have to say and have said. I can't ask for more than your attention. Have a good day.

 

[kanedafanatic]

Now, the last message from my intro thread. Here I think I spoke enough about my case.

27th of April. I'm somewhere else entirely, in a place far more better for my psyche. For now, I focus on feeling better and trying to get a job. Managed to get in training for cold cuts clerk but didn't managed to follow through all of it because of poor performance. I'm not frustrated nor sad, we are not perfect after all and I wasn't made for that.

Anywho to finish this off, for those who read all of it: what keeps you interested or passionate about Touhou? I wonder myself this but really, I can't come up with a satisfying answer. So that's why I'd like to ask those who would want to answer my question.