Here's some technical analysis I have with your fanfic. For example, every time when you finish a dialogue before you identify a character, use a comma (i.e. for your fic: “Of course she sends me to pick up an idiot,” Youmu shakes her head exasperatedly.).
Also, you should always use periods when narrating: and when you don't identify the character, you could also still use a period (i.e.: “My master, the great and exalted and infallible Yuyuko, has decided, on a whim might I add, that she would like to taste your cooking.”).
Another thing, in this paragraph, also capitalize the first letter every time you start a sentence; whether it could be a dialogue or a narration (i.e.: “No, no, sorry, you don’t look like a saleswoman, but can you please tell me why you’re here?”).
One last thing before I end this off, you have made a mistake in using first perspective in this part (Uh oh, I hope I didn’t anger her,). Unless you were trying to make an internal thought of the protagonist, you must make sure to be consistent with the perspective you've chosen (i.e.: [Uh oh, I hope I didn’t anger her/Uh oh, you hope you didn’t anger her]).
I am still in Chapter 1, though I hope you can understand and fix some mistakes here and there. Thank you.
-UltimaShojo
